The Untriumphant Return

I’ve been away for far too long.  You know you are truly a writer when you go for a few weeks without really writing and you believe you are starting to lose your mind.  When I started seeing scenes in my head and felt like my characters were giving me dirty looks, I figured it was time to get the right side of my brain working again.  You see, I’ve been avoiding the issue.  Feeling sorry for myself, I guess.  And writing forces me to be honest with myself.  I’m slowly starting to realize that a large portion of my innumerable flaws are changeable.  You’d think that’d be fantastic news.  On the contrary, it’s humbling and humiliating.  Because they’re still there and the while I could’ve changed them, but I haven’t.  Yet. 

Romans 12:1-2: “I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”  This is a difficult one.  I’ve known this passage for a long time, but only recently have I spent real time thinking about it.  I’ve not been a living sacrifice.  Oh, I’ve been alive.  With two bullet wounds and a broken leg; but that’s hardly living.  I’ve not been renewed.  A new paint job doesn’t help the engine run any better.  

A man I highly respect lately was telling me how we need to be treating our lives more like a war.  Get angry at Satan.  Hate Satan.  Recognize what he's using against us and let that upset us.  In God alone can be the victory, but we must see His enemy as our enemy.  Along with that has come the realization that I've been feeding him.  If there's one thing I've learned in the past few weeks it's that Satan is not fed on sin alone.  We tend to look at things as states of being: I'm either in sin or I'm righteous.  I'm quickly learning that God looks at things in relationship terms instead.  Satan doesn't need me to curse God to His face.  He doesn't me to kill somebody, lie, or commit fornication.  He just needs me to distance myself from God, and the rest will take care of itself.  The sad truth is that so many of us are playing church, and we may even dare to play Christianity.  I'm realizing that the result is always the same: I get burned.  You get burned.  We all get burned.  The subtlety of his attack is so devious, it's almost impressive.  It makes me realize that I don't have a clue what I'm doing.  But I know someone who does.

So I’m changing.  Slowly but surely.  It’s proving to a painful process, and I’m starting to feel awful bruised.  But I’ve seen what I could look like down the road and it’s worth it.  So here goes nothing.

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance.  The only thing it cannot be is moderately important." - C.S. Lewis