Catharsis

“Who I am hates who I’ve been”

Those words fascinate me.  That phrase is the main thrust in a Relient K song by the same name, and brings back a lot of memories.  Normally when I say that about a song, I mean it in a positive connotation.  The Owl City song “Cave In” reminds me of this past summer hanging out with a couple close friends of mine who share a mutual love for Owl City.   Oasis’s “Wonderwall” reminds me of a night walking along the canal in downtown Indianapolis, when he (a better guitarist than myself) sat down by the water and started playing various songs, “Wonderwall” being one of them.  Here, though, I mean something else entirely. 

There’s a man I know and look up to that I once saw wearing a shirt that said “I’m not the man I should be, but thank God I’m not the man I used to be.”  The memories that come back are not pleasant ones.  They are memories of me making some dreadful mistakes that I have regretted and will continue regretting for the rest of my life.  I remember saying things that have torn people down.  I remember having thoughts that I would be ashamed to admit and doing things that I would be ashamed to admit.  I don’t say these things to initiate a pity party, but I am confident that as you are reading this, you can probably appreciate where I’m at.  We can all say, “Yeah, I’ve been there.  I’ve done and said stuff I regret.”  That’s why I’m glad the story doesn’t end there.

We live in a culture that is obsessed with love.  We write songs about it, we make movies about it, we write books about it, we talk constantly about it, and in the times between we think about and dwell on it.  I’ve been in love and I’ve lost love.  I still admit that there’s a ton I don’t know but I can tell one thing I know for sure about love: it takes real love to love a person while they are at their lowest point.  I don’t know if any story or metaphor tells it as accurately and tenderly as the father of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15 saying in regards to the son who had scorned and deserted him, “let us eat and celebrate.  For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.”  That, my friends, is true love.  It is truly incredible that God loved me even at my lowest point.  Even more incredible is the fact that I don’t have to still be the person I used to be.

God offers us the power to change.  One of the most powerful scriptures is Ephesians 3:20, which refers to the power of God which works in us!  I don’t have to be who I was anymore.  I can be better, but only because God has enabled me to be.  Never let us forget that.  Whatever good we may be able to accomplish in this life, it is only because God has enabled us to be that person and did not give up on us when we were failing miserably. 

I’m not yet the man I should be, but thank God I’m not the man I used to be, because who I am hates who I’ve been.